The Wellspring

Craig McConnell:A Man Among Men

The news of this past Friday hit me unexpectedly...and, in truth, sent my heart a bit sideways.

Craig McConnell was in hospice care. After years of battling leukemia - and oh, so close to remission - a sudden turn put him close to the end of his epic and heroic battle and even closer to where I (an imperfect man following God) long to be.

This morning - on Tuesday - I awoke from mysterious dreams at 2:00am to find the single dot of flourescent light pulsating on my smart phone...incoming. The email - from John Eldredge and the Ransomed Heart team - shared the news that Craig had passed "...from glory to glory..." at 6:30am yesterday morning. He was now fully healed - and in the presence of the God he loved so much.

As the tears began to flow (even now, later in the morning and sitting at work, they still do), I am somehow not sure what to say or feel. Sadness...goodness, yes. But...joy?? It seems...well, scandalous. But, of course, it would be to those who didn't know (or still don't know) the Jesus that Craig helped introduce me to through his work and mission with Ransomed Heart (www.ransomedheart.com). Moving through the pre-dawn hours, I sat watching a video session that came from a Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp I attended in 2014 out in Colorado...I didn't know it then, but it was the last time I would see Craig. His teaching that night - focusing on the Poser that all men have and hide behind - was centered on relational styles and the freedom that God is after in our individual personalities. It was, in a word...holy

Craig was many things in his life: a husband, a father, a father-in-law, a grandfather, a pastor, a friend, a teacher, a mentor to many, a leader, and quite the knucklehead. In the past 7 years, I've been out to Colorado several times to attend the Boot Camp events. I only had the privilege of meeting and speaking to Craig once, back in 2009. I remember thanking him for his spirit of laughter and humor that he would bring to his teachings, the podcasts he often did with John Eldredge and others at Ransomed Heart, and the live sessions at the Boot Camp. What I really wanted to tell him was, "Yeah, man, me too - I got that part of me that uses humor to deflect intimacy and I see it in you 'cause I got it in me." I came to learn that he knew - and God revealed to him as well - how that part of his relational style at times made it difficult for people to love him...not because he was unlovable but that it kept a distance between his heart and the hearts of others. And yet God used that beautiful heart and the humor in its wellsprings to draw me into Craig's story...and a deeply wounded part of my own.

So, I name it: Craig McConnell was a man among menAnd I wanted to share just a few of the thoughts he passed along to me - through his teaching and mentorship - over the past 7 years:

From Wild at Heart Boot Camp (2009):

The whole design of The Poser is to keep me from being exposed (Adam and the "fig leaf")...

A boy needs to be loved by his father and to have an answer for The Question ("Do I have what it takes?")...he needs the validation of the father...

My story has been shaped by how my father handled my heart (the story of my Wound)...

Behind every posing man is a wounded boy...

God is saying, "Where are you, John?" so He can come in to heal all my wounds...

From Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp (2010):

The Poser gets in the way of my integrity in Christ...

Repentance & Healing - both are needed to move away from The Poser; I don't have a choice...

Assumption: My sin is much deeper than my behavior. What's the motive? Do I settle for the "superficial" in me?...

Assumption: The life I most deeply desire is only found in Christ! Do I settle for the "counterfeit" in me?...

Assumption: There is a mystery that is part of the life I long to live with God and it requires engagement. Do I settle for the "giving up" in me?...

Assumption: Loving others is the true test of my spirituality! Do I settle for "liking" others in my life?...

The greatest task I have in life is to love God, myself, and others wholeheartedly...

My Poser contains my personality - it's a well-constructed approach to living that reflects my holiness AND sin...and I am not honest in looking at it...

What's my relational style? Do I move towards others? Move away from others? Move against others? Is my style of relating coming from The Poser or Christ?...

Repentance is knowing this isn't the life I want...repentance is present tense...

Do I have a picture of the life I want to live?

Question: God, why do I need to "sell" others on who I am instead of being filled with the love and acceptance You have of me?...

From Wild at Heart Advanced Boot Camp (2014):

The primary work of God walking with us is for us to love others...

A loving relational style is the only true indicator of how we love God...

All of my spiritual gifts, calling, etc. without love are nothing...

There are not outs with love...

Sin manifests itself most frequently and deeply within our personalities...

Have I consecrated my personality to God?...

Behind every man's personality and his relational style is his story...

God wants to change our relational style - that means He is after changing our personality!

As I think about the wisdom and the love of God that Craig shared with so many men across the world, I am both humbled and encouraged that our paths and stories intersected in the ways they did. You can find all of his blog posts and podcasts at Ransomed Heart...I know I will be mining them for the riches they contain. 

And I look forward to seeing Craig around the campfires of the coming Kingdom...someday but not yet!!

In loving memory and fierce gratitude...

McConnell!!

McConnell!!

McConnell!!

Strength & Honor...

John Fontaine

August 2, 2016

Memorial for Craig McConnell - Click on Picture to View on Vimeo
Recorded 8.27.16 @ Discovery Christian Church
Colorado Springs, CO
Courtesy of Ransomed Heart & DCC

Bruddas

The Wellspring #2 

I've had two of my three older brothers die in the last 20 months. 

With one (Jeff) I had repaired damage - the kind between brothers that can keep brothers from being brothers. With the other (Mickey), I hadn't seen or spoken to him in 22 years.

Blood is thicker than water, right? Bruddas

Mickey (pictured above) was the oldest of the six siblings; even at 66, it was too early. 

I'm still at a stage in my walk with God where I'm faced with inviting Him deeper into the healing of a heart that took a lot of wounds at the expense of those closest to me. I was taken aback recently when one of my sisters began to reach out regarding Mickey. She indicated he was very ill, hospitalized for some tests, and would be released to return home and for hospice care. Death

At first, I was pissed off...as if a young voice inside wanted to say, 'And what the fuck do you want me to do about it? He hasn't bothered to reach out to me in a very long time. So, what, forgive and forget?' Her texts to me on the last day of November - asking me to call her as soon as I could - were indication enough that the news was in. 

There was nothing slow, even in my faded memories, about Mickey. He didn't so much move but breeze through life. When my sister informed me that he had passed at 5:45am that morning, I thought back to getting out of bed for the day...and I confess there are days where I wish it could be over for me. Done...clock me out of this bullshit

It wasn't until the following day that I began to feel this odd wave of  memories and melancholy come across my spirit, soul and body, my heart, mind and will. He was the one who taught me how to tell time. He was the one who taught me to tie my shoes. Sweet recall, yes, but there was also the flotsam and jetsam of life shared as brothers. The time I rescued him and his girlfriend after they nodded out, high on heroin, and almost set fire to a room of our upstate New York home. The way he used to yell and hit his very young children - something he could have only learned from our father. Confusing, yes, but Mickey was also (in my memory) a paradox of being larger than life and also out of touch with me and my story.

A week has passed since I learned he died. God has been using this news to prepare me for some heart work that I've been putting off for a while - and, as I said to a trusted heart of a friend in an email this week, "I feel like Frodo packing his bag to leave the Shire."

Mickey did things I never would: he met Bobby Kennedy and George Harrison, survived the muck and mire of Woodstock, gained higher educational degrees and certifications, traveled the world, rode Arabian stallions across the sands of Egypt, and was a husband and father. He was part Aragorn and part Gandalf, part Marlboro Man and was cool before Don Johnson ever was.

 

Memories fade. The last time I heard his voice was in 1994 after our mother died from lung cancer. I heard the pain and loss in his voice, the struggle to believe what he didn't want to admit was true. As I give mercy to my own heart, I do wish I could steal back some of the chasm of time that was lost - to both of us - and tell him that heroes are truly hard to love when they are human and also your brother. 

Strength & Honor...

John Fontaine

December 7, 2016

The Day the Music Died

"Saving up your money for a rainy day
Giving all your clothes to charity
Last night the wife said
'Poor boy, when you're dead
You don't take nothing with you
But your soul - think!'"

(From The Ballad of John and Yoko - 1969 by Lennon/McCartney)

If I blink my eyes through tears that still rise to the surface 37 years later, I can picture myself in December of 1980...an 18-year old freshman at Manhattanville College in New York, vibrant, alive, full of myself and the stuff dreams are made of. In a word: bulletproof.

Nearing the end of the first semester, it was a cold Monday night in the tony suburb of Purchase in Westchester County. Spellman Hall - the freshman dorm digs - was humming and hopping with the 6-to-1 female to male ratio congregation of students. Somehow blessed, my freshman year roommate, Scott, had abandoned all hope of one day going to medical school and left the 'Ville and gifted me with a double-room all to myself. For a young man with dreams of my own of one day going to law school, such digs were conducive to minoring in sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll - and I certainly didn't squander the opportunities.

Having finished a few hours in the college's radio station that night hosting one of my turns as a disc jockey, I returned to my room from the showers, flipping on the television to catch the score on Monday Night Football. I was literally naked and toweling myself off when broadcaster Howard Cosell uttered these words:

"...remember, this is just a football game, no matter who wins or loses. An unspeakable tragedy, confirmed to us by ABC News from New York City. John Lennon, outside of his apartment building on the West Side of New York City, the most famous, perhaps, of all the Beatles, shot twice in the back, rushed to Roosevelt Hospital, dead on arrival..."

Nearly four decades later, I can still feel the way my knees began to tremble and the acceleration of my heart inside my chest. I remember dropping the towel in my hand, suddenly shocked and surprised by the hot, wet tears that began to uncontrollably flush from my blue eyes. 

"No," I said in a whisper, the only breath seemingly in my lungs. "NO!" came the next utterance, something guttural and primal from my belly and my balls. Within seconds, outside of my dorm room on the first floor of Spellman, I began to hear the shrieks and screams of young women and others. I threw on some clothes and rushed into the hallway, finding friends and foes alike walking around in a sudden trance, zombies in pain and disbelief. A girl named Kathy came up to me, practically collapsing into my six foot five frame, wailing and sobbing and holding onto me as she shook with pain and grief. 

Born in New York City in 1962, I grew up listening to The Beatles and felt a part of my heart break when they parted ways just eight years later in 1970. Of course, like legions of fans across the globe, I, too, believed in the dream that they would, could, or should one day reunite. As I stood there in the hallway holding Kathy up and letting my own tears fall and mingle with hers, all we could say to each other was, "The dream is dead."

For the rest of that night, my room, Spellman 139, was filled with the music of all the Beatles albums I had inherited from my oldest brother and sister. People came and went all night, singing along, crying, or just hanging out in a dazed silence. Our campus radio station, WMVL, wanted to close the following day. Instead, I asked the station manager to allow me to man the control booth.

In my own pain and loss, I began in the morning and didn't leave until very late in the evening, playing song after song, sharing my memories of what those young world-changers from Liverpool meant to me and so many others. It would be years before I could process the anger of having a childhood idol stolen away so violently and senselessly. Many people thanked me for the giveaway of music and memories, but for a young dreamer there was a part of my heart that was broken in ways that I didn't understand. This was a life lesson I never saw coming and that they weren't teaching in the storied classrooms of Manhattanville

 

The words of a song so eloquently sung by Paul sums it up best for me, even now - today - 37 years later:

 

"And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, yeah
There will be an answer, let it be."

(From Let It Be - 1970 by Lennon/McCartney) 

I still miss you, Johnny. And, yes, there was a day the music died.

Strength & Honor...

John Fontaine

December 8, 2017

Losing

Desire.

Memories from my 20's - and the tale of when endless love began to die.

An excerpt from JOURNAL TEN: "Thunder Road, Part Two (Thriller)"

Last night was a tragedy, each minute grinding away, a search for love to come but ending in a realization. Patty felt pushed and forced. I feel like David in Endless Love. Our love feels as if it has lost something, and I really hope she doesn't show up for lunch, like I have a feeling she might. Because I don't want to see her...this rejection hurts more than getting the manuscript back in the mail. I look at her eyes, and I see her rejecting me over and over again, finally our lives becoming a frustrated, and soon to run-out-of string, yo-yo. Everything else is less important in my mind. I just want to make love to her, that's all. And she feels forced. It's not worth the risk. Is it that important if we don't make love? Are you any less in love with me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All of those questions, or statements, circulated throughout my mind and dreams last night. Patty has off from work today, and I contemplated taking the day off, but why? So we can argue? Spontaneous lovemaking, even in the basement of my parents' house, used to be delicious, totally satisfying for the short amount of time we had. I love to satisfy her, then myself, but now that risk is too great. And yet I ask what risk can't be great enough to sacrifice being together, body to body? This whole day sucks, from the moment I went to bed last night. She thinks I'm forcing her passion - well, that's too bad for me, isn't it?

I really want to start saving for an apartment but my heart towards her feels lighter, not so much broken but bruised. All day, all I do is think about her, fantasize about making love to her. And she says the same, supposedly. Yet's she's off today, horseback riding in Iroquois Park with her brother while he's visiting from Long Island, probably thinking about how I rescued her from North Babylon and all of the times she spent there without me. For each day that goes by, no, each hour, I long to make love to her, I would die for it. I truly feel apart from her, my need for acceptance great at this time. Love pours from inside of me, oozing out with no purpose...and it is raining in my soul. My thoughts race to her, trying to perceive what she's thinking, blocked by this sign...

"NO!"

I cannot help but think back to the beginning months of our relationship, since we still refer to it in months. 22 months on Monday. 2 years in October. I want everything to be changed by then, but how do I live a life of day-to-day passion when none of it is returned to me? I love Patty, and I know with every sense of me that her feelings are the same. Sexuality is the concern here, and 20 months ago we couldn't fuck each other enough. Now the situation is different, granted, but has this change put out a part of the flame which I incessantly thrive over? Is this the same girl who slept with me - secretly made love to me - in a room full of people, up close, under foot, risking it ALL for it ALL?

That's my trouble in understanding: why won't she risk it? I shouldn't call her "a girl," for being a young woman, I find her both mature and adolescent. Maybe it's the young girl in her that keeps me so hard, but a woman would realize that the satisfaction of her man is tantamount and reciprocated to her. You get just as good as you give.

So, save for an apartment, hope she realizes the pressures - but when I was looking at her last night I found my eyes seeing her hurt me, never intentionally. I wanted her so badly, so strongly, and I thought she would see that, sense it, act accordingly upon and not away from it. I was stunned, but how can I run from feelings that constantly chase me? Last night I asked Patty what we would do if only one of us (namely me) had to risk it all in the future and where it would leave the other one. Silence...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Losing desire feels so entwined with my the outcome of my destiny, which I once considered sure, my life planted in a style so determined that it wouldn't matter what came along. Nothing could sway it. But that long time ago is gone, security the only thing I believed in also having departed. Wondering which avenue love has strayed to is a full-time job, and heartache to boot. I am distracted by so many things, so many memories highlighted by the thought of her. I am unable to sleep well enough, though I am not tired. Listless is the word. I don't even care that my pot runs out tonight. If someone offered me 10 ounces of Tai weed as opposed to the chance of Patty making love with me, I'd take the risk.

My hand is a pen for my heart, and I tried to explain it yesterday but I fear going home, seeing her there and feeling uncomfortable. Afraid to be rejected in lesser areas. How do I climb the mountain again after falling? I wish she would desire to make love, not want to hold or kiss. I want it all, selfish as I am. Yet I do not see her desire.

So here I am, filling up the last pages of "Thriller" with disappointment. This last time, I sincerely would like to try something different, some way out. But I love her, and this last hour of waiting to see her, waiting to see if she'll react in any way, shape or form is brutal. I still want to make love to her after being rejected, not relenting as we stalk each other, but I am the only one advancing. My dreams are alone, without her, because she is not there, not wanting me...all of me.

Romeo was a limp-wristed motherfucker in love with Juliet compared to the feelings I have for Patty. But I am scared to open myself up again, to hear "No" or "You're pushing me." I thought that making love, no matter the place or the time, the circumstances, pressures or risks was a place we would always go together.

 

But so much is ahead...I feel it, and the pressures of what go through my mind create many scenes for me. I see her dancing freely across a field of tall grass, a brilliant moon rising behind her. I see her alone as she looks out upon a river bathed in soft sunlight. And she is alone, without me. This day has been worse than yesterday, and now I must go home to her...after wanting her all day. 

"Love pours from inside of me, oozing out with no purpose...and it is raining in my soul."

"My dreams are alone, without her, because she is not there, not wanting me...all of me."