"Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see?...No, you clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger! A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!"

 

(From the episode "Cornered" of Breaking Bad -2011)

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It's literally taken me the last two weeks to survive a withdrawal period from a 10-day binge-watching journey through the entire run of the highly acclaimed series Breaking Bad. Having enjoyed various television shows throughout my life, I found myself shocked and amazed at how deeply this show impacted my heart.

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Wow, I thought, I definitely have some Walter White, some Heisenberg, some Jesse Pinkman, some Saul Goodman, some Gus Fring, and some Mike Ehrmantraut in my story, my heart, and in my bones and balls.

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During its original airing, I never watched a single episode of BB. I didn't have cable, nor did I feel called to check out the hype via the DVD releases. With a recent subscription to Netflix, I invited myself to take a shot watching the pilot episode. It was all over after that. I could not stop watching - or thinking about watching more...or thinking more about what I had already watched - until I had taken the full ride with all of those men I mentioned above. And this is not a statement of hyperbolic bullshit: The nearest context I could frame that experience with is when, in the deep past of my own story, I worshiped at the altar of crack cocaine and didn't want to stop.

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From the brilliant and addictive scripts, to the highest caliber acting I believe to have ever seen, along with the luscious and mesmerizing cinematography, direction, and music, I could not resist the Knock, Knock of every episode - and I willingly opened that door again, and again, and again.

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In the wake of crashing emotionally after the binge-watching journey concluded, I found it fascinating that such a brutal story could linger in my mind's eye for weeks after it was over. That quote kept haunting me: "I am the one who knocks!"  And where God has me in my own spiritual and masculine journey, I also kept thinking about what Jesus said in the Book of Revelation: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." (Rev. 3:20 NIV)

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And it also got me thinking: Jesus, Himself, would knock on the door of Walter or Heisenberg or Jesse or Saul or Gus or Mike - hoping that even they would, in return, open the door and invite Him in to not only eat but to change their hearts. 

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The sins covered by grace in my story are legion. I know the horrors of drugs. I know the sinister duplicity of intentional deceit and the damage of lies. I know the brute force of violence. I know the quiet contemplation of power and control. I know the seductiveness of money. I know the bridge of broken dreams that can turn a good man into an evil monster. As Walter said - and as I've known to be true in parts of my own story: "I'm not in danger. I am the danger!"

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Sitting here, thinking about the story Breaking Bad took my spirit, soul, and body, my heart, mind, and will through, I am...speechless. And it is a mirror - beautiful, cracked, dangerous, and redemptive - that God held up for me to look into. And the only way, at times, my gaze is able to be interrupted is from the familiar and fierce sound echoing in my heart...

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Knock! KNOCK!!

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John Fontaine, Writer @ Large